Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
