if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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