You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
