you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
