Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
