i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
