They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
barbara walters just said penis...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
