Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
