yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
