Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
