got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
