i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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