woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
