I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize