Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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