good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
two words...techno handjob
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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