My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
