why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
