he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
