i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
