Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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