I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
