i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
