Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Randomize
