how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
