im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
