We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
