every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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