I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
