I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
