I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
