WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
