WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
