i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
