i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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