I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
