Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
