What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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