get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
