You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I touched a dick in church today
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
