Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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