When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
