I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
COCAINE IS GR8
Text me some of your sweat
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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