dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
