There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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