This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
There's even glitter on my cock...
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