How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So squirting runs in the family.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
