i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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