Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
