I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
