my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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