I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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