Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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