I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
