im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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