Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
