I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
