May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
