I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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